I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.