I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
haha same
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Dear Lord..
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy