I need better friends

You Might Also Like


Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”


My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?


My husband can’t tell if the dishwasher is clean or dirty but anytime I pull out one of his tools, he’s right there to TED talk me through it.


So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?


Saw a Justin Bieber CD taped to a wall. You better believe I took it, you never know when you will need a piece of tape.


Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂


We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore


Experiment: text your parents “got 2 grams for $40” then right after “Sorry ignore that txt. Not for you” Then tweet pic of their response.