I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
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When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?