I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
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“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
philosophical skeletons be like
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
This anagram machine is out of order.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.