furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.