@dadmann_walking

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

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@SharkJelly

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

@Sorrowscopes

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

@Social_Mime

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

@ArfMeasures

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

@ch000ch

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

@anerdonfire2

Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.

@Amburglar_

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

@BlondAmbitionTO

I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”

@CVTBaby

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.