[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I wonder if serial killers watch Criminal Minds like chefs watch the Food Network: “Oh, bad move, I’d have done it this way…”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.