the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.