I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
You Might Also Like
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.