O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
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I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I think my mom just blocked me
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
How animals would run if they were human
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!