I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
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Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768