@AlbundyisKalEl

I need ten thousand dollars in unmarked avocados.

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@jake_likes_naps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

@WilliamAder

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Did you call Brenda fat?

Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly.

HR…

Me: Big difference.

@fro_vo

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

@AGreaterMonster

*BUSTS DOWN DOOR*
*Fires off jokes*
*Kidnappers helpless in laughter*
“..and that’s how your granpappy saved baby Jesus.”

– Me, someday

@sixfootcandy

Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*

Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*

@thezsmooth

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

@thatUPSdude

I don’t mind your bad kids running around if you don’t mind me tripping them.

@audipenny

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

@LinajkReturns

The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*