God *using a bear to dry his face*
Angel: OMG what are You doing?!
God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down
I need to chat with my coworker’s husband.. If he was bangin’ her properly, we wouldn’t have to deal with her bad attitude..
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Anyone else notice how Barney the Dinosaur is basically a T-rex & parents had no qualms about leaving their children with an apex predator?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Teacher: remember class, there are no stupid questions
Me: *raises hand*
Teacher: i just said, no stupid questions
Me: *lowers hand*
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona