I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
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my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.