Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@EmissaryKerry

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

@WheelTod

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

@inanimatecorpse

*Deletes account because a stranger on the internet told them to

@Carbosly

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

@prufrockluvsong

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

@BakedElle

Another day, another nope.

@Darlainky

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

@darksidedeb

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.

@Verity_Holloway

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.