@shesananteater

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

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@AsgardianRose

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

@hoedeehoe

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

@iamburtjarvis

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

@Skoogeth

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

@WheelTod

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

@Token_Geezer

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit

@TheAlexNevil

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

@jackiembouvier

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

@audipenny

So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist