I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
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this is the most humiliating day of my life
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
this is the greatest thing ever
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.