Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.
I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
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Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that
oompa loompa: [deep breath]
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…