I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

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Hey, small cars: stop masquerading as empty parking spaces. You’re enraging us all.


Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.


ME: What are you in for?

CELLMATE: Money laundering.

ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.


JESUS: [walks on water]

JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle

JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas

JUDAS: Actually..


[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”


*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”


[rap battle]

mc: [finishing up] …yeah my kid died let’s hear you rap about that

oompa loompa: [deep breath]


I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.


Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…