*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…