@hazelmotes1

I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

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@WritePlay

*dog barks at absolutely everything, every time*

Me: SHUT UP

*dog barks at burglar, one time*

Me: It’s like he just knew there was danger

@DaddyJew

[lunch break]

Gf: I have 30min

Me: you thinking what im thinking?

Gf: oh yea *starts undressing

Me: *googles closest laser tag location

@iGreenMonk

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !

@TweetingDadGuy

Please women who wear 1 inch heels.

What’s the point? You look ridiculous.

What difference does 1 inch really make?

Don’t answer that.

@deathoftheparty

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

@thefurlinator

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

@Bryainiac

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.

@kashanacauley

What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.