I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
fixed it
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Every time my phone rings
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.