I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
He’s dead
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.