@junejuly12

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

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@hg47

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.

@HansGrubertron

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Probably my communication skills.

@McClaneJohn2

Me: A cool person followed me I better step up my tweets.

5 mins later: Can you die from eating the sticker off an apple?

@hxnlxne

sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty

@citizenkawala

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

@YourAnonNews

1 Bitcoin = 19.62 USD. What does it say about your economy when imaginary internet money is worth more than your “Real World Money”?

@delusions_of

Before toasters people had to frantically rub two pieces of bread together.

@euphriae

THERES THIS COUPLE ON THE SUBWAY AND THE DUDE IS SO HEATED AND JUST SAID “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BABY PIGEON??? NO!! THATS BC THE GOVERMENT CREATED BIRD ROBOTS TO SPY ON US” AND SHE JUST WENT “KEVIN THERE ARE MIDDLE AGE PAINTINGS WITH PIGEONS” AND HE, AGAIN SAID “THE GOVERMENT”

@Darlainky

I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.