I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I like crazy people until they notice me
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.