I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.