I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
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My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
This raises questions
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Life hack
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet