If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
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movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.