I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book