I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Mistakes were made
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”