An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Animal poetry
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“HELP WITH CAT”