4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
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Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.