I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Scream sneezers need love too.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was