I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

You Might Also Like


I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.


Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.


Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.


I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.


Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.


I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…


[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.


I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.