@HatfieldAnne

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

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@OuterJohn

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

@PlainTravis

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

@agathagotstoned

Barring any distractions, it only takes about three months to teach a meerkat how to throw knives.

@anerdonfire2

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

@MegsHAUSTED

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I really like a man who notices things.

ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.

@TomSchally

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.