I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.


Changed Grandma’s email signature to “Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal!”


The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.


Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar


If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.


The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.


Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.