I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*skinny dips into black hole
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime