” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
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Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”