@TheNuttyKiwi

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

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@TheHyyyype

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. A banana will scare off most lawyers. Eat a pomegranate and every architect within a three-mile radius will shit himself.

@DevilryFun

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

@pilau

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

@stats_canada

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

@offbeatoliv

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

@TheRealAnchovy

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain’t quite right.

@shatterpants

I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.

@EJGomez

*slams fists on coffee table*
WHAT WAS SCAR FROM LION KINGS NAME BEFORE HE GOT THE SCAR