I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

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[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]


Hi. We noticed you Googled “How do I keep IT from seeing my browser history” yesterday at 3:21pm. How’d that work out for you?


*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.


Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.


[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”


ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego


I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous


I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.


Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you


Me: *screaming*

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*