[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
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Hi. We noticed you Googled “How do I keep IT from seeing my browser history” yesterday at 3:21pm. How’d that work out for you?
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I like to leave my gas cap hanging off when I’m on a date so when people start honking and waving I can wave back like I’m famous
I’m not even sure I remember how to have sex without holding my phone.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!
Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*