I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
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[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.