I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests


She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.


DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth


the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce


I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.


This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What’s your name? What’s your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?


Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?


“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant


Germ 1-OMG he dropped his pizza!

Germ 2-PIIZZZAAAA!!! Let’s get it!

Germ Capt.-Stand back! He still has one more second to pick it up.