I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
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When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Order here:
More here:
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Nice try Hitler
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules