@GrantTanaka

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

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@AbbieEvansXO

Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago

My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests

@CruisinSoozan

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

@ArfMeasures

DATE: I like guys who show their sensitive side

ME [through mouthful of ice cream] this hurts my teeth

@dog_feelings

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

@EmissaryKerry

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

@YesThatAmy

This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What’s your name? What’s your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?

@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

@TheAlexNevil

“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant

@SaraMansford

Germ 1-OMG he dropped his pizza!

Germ 2-PIIZZZAAAA!!! Let’s get it!

Germ Capt.-Stand back! He still has one more second to pick it up.