I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

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I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”


To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.


Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.


Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that



My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.


My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.


No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately


Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)