@TheCatWhisprer

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

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@Cravin4

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

@Phoebetate

To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.

@dreamthievin

Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?

Me: I think we should see other people.

@VisionBored1

Me, to my sons: you guys have been so lucky to have each other during this pandemic, I don’t have anyone like that

Husband:

@TheRolo

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

@batkaren

My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.

@Phook75

No matter how much you loved them if a family member or pet comes back from the dead don’t dilly dally kill them immediately

@Deurb1

Why do they play this music on the elevators if we’re not suppose to slow dance:)