I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”