I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
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Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them