I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
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They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
😂😂
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.