@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

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@internetluke

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

@chrislhayes

Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.

@petemandik

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

@GreenishDuck

One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.

@newLettuce

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

@Gupton68

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

@cjcapbt

I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn’t tear away ..

@lolajxx

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?