Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Oh no
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
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