I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
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Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god