I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

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AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]


How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.


I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.


Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope


The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.


Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver


Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.


First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what


Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.