@Dawn_M_

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

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@thepunningman

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

@WilliamAder

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

@Xoolun

The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.

@toastymoe

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

@torrami

Nine months from now we’ll have an adorable, pooping reminder of The Night the Internet Wasn’t Working.

@PleaseBeGneiss

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

@TheToddWilliams

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.