I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

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I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous


KID: are you sure this will work?
ME: *holding a fishing rod with a peppermint attached* do you want a new grandpa or not?


“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”

aaaaand….now I’m bald.


the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”


What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.


POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?


CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out


Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”