I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
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My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.