Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
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wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.