@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

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@nonchalantnacho

Dear family,
Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I’ll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you.
Love, Danielle

@SondraDeeMe

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

@markydoodoo

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

@Spaced_Cowboy00

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

@TheAlexNevil

Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.

@BGH70

We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.

@Sir_Strange

*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*face melts*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*

@RobDenBleyker

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.