@LackOfShame

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

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@HenpeckedHal

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

@SirEviscerate

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

@envydatropic

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

@SCbchbum

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

@kngarou

My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru

@JessObsess

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

@DrLuke1994

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

@ColorMeScradd

Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

@_ElvishPresley_

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all