Daisy: how are you
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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Since I am unemployed, for Christmas you have a choice of a hug or I’ll rap Eminem songs for 5 minutes for you.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Death: You’ll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I’ve got you scheduled.
M: Or “do” you?
D: Stop that.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.