Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My car keeps doing that thing where I get in it and suddenly I’m at the McDonald’s drive-thru
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen
*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot
*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all