I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Bread puns are on the rise!
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.