I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Some people were born into their job.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.