[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food
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My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”
Because they’d be right.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.