I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
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Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Spotted in New Orleans.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
thinking about a very short hotdog
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”