@meganamram

I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food

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@HansGrubertron

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

@Girl_Censored

I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…

@rationalists

Bill Clinton is so getting laid tonight. Hillary is in Indonesia.

@sammontgomery

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

@garrettbarry70

[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”

@UrbanDouchebag

I wonder if flies ever think, “I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face.”

Because they’d be right.

@donni

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

@gavinmind

Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.