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@OneFunnyMummy: I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I'm making up for that now.
@Angibangie: I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
@12ozCourage: The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.
@hell_homer: This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
@kumailn: Million dollar idea: Nutella, but super healthy.
@IGotsSmarts: "Stop pointing at my daughter!" - Kanye West yells at a compass.