I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.