@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

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@murrman5

coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys

@ahuj9

Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

@Xoolun

My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I’m a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?

@simoncholland

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

@Megatronic13

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

@LlamaInaTux

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

@Bownuggets

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

@mommy_cusses

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

@CooperLawrence

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

@jonnysun

there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin “i miss america” and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash