I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys


Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.


My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I’m a little confused.

Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?


I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.


Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.


Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon


Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet


Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.


Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.


there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin “i miss america” and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash