I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.