I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

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Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU


My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.


if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks


the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.


Your quarantine name is:
The colour of your underwear followed by the last thing you ordered on Amazon


I need a man, not a boy. They will have much more structurally sound ideas for me to bypass the lava floor and make it to the blanket fort.


Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]


Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today


I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.


Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.