I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Who.
Did.
This?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch