I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
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Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
all bases covered
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.