guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
sir, my pâté if you please
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
oh you wanna fight?!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god