I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

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Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.


Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks



Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody

Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb



Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)


If you really think about it. Its kind of weird “yoga pants” are worn so much. That’s like a guy wearing baseball pants to go get groceries


I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.


Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.


A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.


Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”


Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day