I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months