I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
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ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
The honesty is refreshing
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.