@koalaslament: I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@heyjaywolff: "Alexa, lock the door" - me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
@AndyRichter: Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives' approximations of human behavior
@Marlebean: Expecting Parents, PLEASE I beg you Please look at what your child's name will be spelled backwards. Sincerely, Marlana
@Bandersnaaatch: On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I've eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.