I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
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Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.